I need to get something off my chest. I won't give away too much details for the sake of not leaking my identity.

In 1982 I graduated from Michigan State University. Finding a job was harder than I thought, especially since I didn't exactly graduate in something super profitable. I spent a long time couch surfing and being in between jobs. Eventually in 1985 I got a job at a consulting firm. The work wasn't exactly desirable but it was better than nothing.

I never really got along with anyone ever in my life, especially my family, and I never had any friends after the third grade. So working in this job sucked because I had to deal with peoples bullshit. Eventually in 1986 someone new started working there, and we clicked instantly. For anonymity's sake I will call this person John. I met John during a cigarette break and we were making small talk at first about how work sucks, but then we would meet each other every day during cigarette breaks and talk more. He also set me up with his drug dealer. Eventually we started hanging out when we were off work. When John got fired I gave him a place to stay in my apartment. At this point we were already very close friends, we were like brothers. In 1991 we moved to Austin, TX where we started a business together. The business failed and we became homeless, but we still had each other and by 1995 we were back up on our feet again. I could keep going on but you get the idea.

Anyways, by 2002 we were starting to stray from each other. We started developing different interests, and he was meeting new friends. What made us close in the first place was that we had no one else. And eventually we started bickering at each other more and we held grudges against each other. But we still relied on each other financially. And I was scared of losing his friendship, he was all I had at that point. And then in 2005 he told me he was moving to NYC by himself. We had a huge argument and after it escalated he hit me, and everything beyond that is a blur. But I killed him. I was just trying to defend myself and I was so confused and scared and after I did it I regretted it instantly. I sat in that apartment for hours in dread and regret, but I knew that at some point I had to get away. I called one of my criminal contacts who I knew through a drug dealer and got a knew identity. Ever since then I have been working as a grocery clerk in Alaska. I don't have any family (I am an orphan) and no friends. I go home everyday and just watch TV, waiting to die. I am 61 years old and I have no legacy. No grand children. I can't look at myself in the mirror without shriveling in disgust and self pity. I hate myself.